Thursday, December 30, 2010
Goodbye. @ 11:41 PM
I don't think i'll have the time to update tomorrow or like just half an hour away to a new year. So i'll just probably make my last post of twenty-ten now. To sum up everything about 2010, its probably a neutral year for me. It wasn't really that bad or it wasn't really that good. I'll end this year just like any other year but just with a missing of something or someone. But that doesn't stop me form going on in life. 2010 has taught me a handful of things. This is gonna be long and emotional k.
I've learnt that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will definitely be better tomorrow. Life will always give you a second chance. Everything will be okay, i'm sure. Think about what happened a year ago today. You probably can't even remember. Everything that seems important then, don't seem so important now. Things find a way of working themselves out. Whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Maybe it won't work out, i can't promise you that it will. But there is no reason to believe you won't be okay. There is no reason to believe everything won't work out. If all you people think that you're having such a fucked up life, happily saying fuck my life every single second or minute or whatever, think again. There are people with real problems out there. I've never declared my life fucked up.
Honestly, i have to admit that the ones who are pulling me through all this heartache and pain, who are pulling me through life is none other than my favorite band The Maine. You may call me stupid, you may call fool to make my life depend on some group that doesn't even know my existence in this world but i basically don't give a fuck. They may have not give me the solutions to resolve my problems but they definitely gave me reasons to believe in myself and to go on in life. They gave me faith. The thought of them making music not just for teenagers in love, sex or fame but to add color in this black and white world, to make a difference in this world gives me hope, gives me more reason to believe that everything is gonna be okay. They showed me that every individual has a part to do in this world to make a difference in this world no matter what or how they're gonna do it. And i'm gonna do that. When you have only one thing left, no matter what it is, to help you through life, i'm sure you're gonna grab it and live with it. I'm thankful for The Maine.
But sad to say that the ones pulling me through life ain't my friends. When it comes to my friends, I do the saving. I am the shoulder to cry on. I listen. I am there no matter what. I ain't complaining or shit. I'm not saying that they didn't help or what. But when will ever realize that I need a hero too? But even before they'll realize, let's face, we've changed. We've all changed. Somewhere between school ending and school starting. We've all gone in our own directions. Hearts were broken and friendships were fucked over. New lovers started and new people came into our lives. We no longer hang-out with our circle of friends that we thought that was going to be there for us 'forever'. Face it, we all saw this coming. We no longer talk for hours about nothing at all. Some for the better and some for the worse. Soon everything and everyone changes. It's our choice to stay behind and watch the movies keep on playing. I admit i've definitely changed, some may see it for the worst while others see it for the better. But Personally, i think its both. The day the person i trusted most pushed me far away .. it killed me. It may not literally kill me, i felt like i was. The hurt .. the pain .. those things made me change, made me became into someone i myself didn't recognize. Those hurts and pain made me put up a strong front. I closed up to everyone. I had to do it myself. I've come to realize that i can't depend on other people to get what i want. I gotta gather up my nerve and throw myself out there and get what i desire. I gotta dream big and run after my goals cause i know no one is gonna do it for me. Sometimes I just feel really sad for no reason, I don’t even have a legit reason to. Some nights I spend just crying endlessly late into the night and by the morning I feel so drained and my eyes just hurt. I can’t help being sad, it just happens. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to, but it’s hard because I’m so ridiculously scared to open up to anyone in particular.
As time passed by, I came to a certain point in life where i just can’t be fucked; where every single shit life throws at me would become meaningless rather than making me cry. People might tell me that i have no feelings or are just putting on a brave face but the fact is, i've have grown up…. I've learnt to let things go just the way it is, with the flow. And accept things that were meant to be. Its like i just feel empty, lonely, insignificant. And it doesn't matter what i do. I still feel like crap. Sometimes i just feel like taking off, selling everything i own and running away to somewhere so distant, somewhere unknown. In other words, no matter what i do, no matter what i say, the pain is still there and i still feel the same. So i came to a point where i let go and be ignorant to my surroundings. I just simple don't give a fuck. I just got used to the pain. Because i believe that in time, the hurt will fade. I'll forget the lies. I'll forget the broken promises. I'll forget those nights where i cried myself to sleep. In time, i'll be brand new. In time, i'll be stronger. But for now, all i'll ever remember are the lies, broken promises and the nights i wish i'd forget. But i know i dont have to worry cause in time, everything will be fine, i'll be fine. Wait no, in time i'll be more than just fine.
On the other hand, there are memories thats worth to be kept in 2010. Like going to paramore concert. The chaos of making a decision to go to it. Ah fuck that, you know what 2010 is definitely a memory to keep. Why? Cause i met the greatest hoes in the universe. I would have never go through 2010 with laughters without them. Thank you. 2010 is also a great memory as i met a great friend from work. We should all be thankful for 2010. Some of you may not have a great memory about it, but you got through it right? 2010 may seem to be the worst year for you, trust me, this is just the beginning.
Happy new year lovelies, may god bless you!
I still have no resolution for 2011, whatever. k bye.
Labels: 2010, newyear
